The run-up to an important election can be a trying time for friendships, especially for LGBTQ people who feel personally attacked when their friends vote for anti-equality candidates. Some of us, like blogger Kergan Edwards-Stout, find ourselves saying "Please De-Friend Me". In this open letter from Editor-in-Chief Wayne Self to a dear family friend in Louisiana, Wayne tries to find another way. The friend's name has been changed to protect his privacy.
Dear Travis,
How’ ’bout dem Saints?
Listen, I’m writing because I’ve been told you’re leaning toward Romney this year, and I’d like to talk you out of that. Now, don’t be offended, please. In fact, take it as a sign of respect for your intellect and your open-mindedness, because if I didn’t respect you, I wouldn’t even try.
Why should you listen to me? Because I know you.
I remember when you used to be a Democrat, along with much of your family and mine. Of course circumstances have changed since then, in your life and in the country. You’ve never been a big fan of Obama, and lately you’ve been around some people with strong opinions against him, including a little bit of talk radio. Rush Limbaugh is pretty potent, and your new friends are pretty persuasive, and I don’t know that I can compete in a short letter, but I have three things going for me that they don’t.
First, in nearly twenty years I’ve never lied to you; Rush has. Second, I love you and your family, and I have your best interest at heart more than your new friends or some stranger on the radio possibly could. And third, I’m less biased than they are.
Yep. You heard me. Less biased.
I know you think I’m completely swayed by the Democrats because I’m gay, and it’s true that the President has been much better on gay issues than any President in history, while his challenger has promised to be the exact opposite, but here’s a little secret about gays and lesbians that you won’t hear on talk radio:
Everyone thinks we’re so liberal, but Gays are some of the most conservative people you’ll ever meet.
Don’t believe me? Think about all the institutions that conservatives claim to care about: marriage, church, the military. Those are the same institutions that many gays and lesbians dearly cherish. In fact, despite big talk from conservative leaders, many of them avoid church, dodge military service, and get divorce after divorce, trying like hell to stay out of those institutions, while gays and lesbians work, plead and even die to try to get in.
You know that there was a time in my life when I would have given anything to be able to openly serve in the Army or the pulpit, and you know that my relationship has lasted longer than most of your conservative friends’ marriages.
Gay or no, I live in this country, and its fate is mine.
Being able to serve overseas doesn’t mean much when terrorists bring their evil to our shores. Being able to get married doesn’t mean much when no one could afford to come to the wedding. Having workplace protections doesn’t mean much if there are no jobs. So I may weigh gay issues more strongly in my decision-making, but before I cast a vote, I have to look at the whole candidate, just like you do, and make my decision based on his or her values, policies, and character, just like you do. You’ve known me long enough to know that I’ve voted Independent and Republican in the past.
And I’ve known you long enough to know what you value: God, work, and basic human kindness.
If you were to vote for a man who reflected those values, even if his policies harmed me personally, it would hurt, but I could at least respect it. But do you really think Mitt Romney is that man? And are you really sure Obama isn’t?
Let’s take a look at where the candidates stand on your values:
God, Democratic Platform, Money
Obama himself is a strong believer in God. He’s talked about his Christian faith many, many times; more times, in fact, than Romney has. I know that talk is cheap, but we can’t see a man’s heart. If he says he’s a believer, we must take him at his word, and at his policies, just like we’ve done for every other President.
Despite what you may have heard, God is in the Democratic Platform. Yes, some Democrats have objected, but can’t you see why they might?
- In the name of God, Pat Robertson blamed you and your family for hurricanes in Louisiana.
- In the name of God, churches have hidden pedophiles from the law.
- In the name of God, Mormons have historically prayed an “Oath of Vengeance,” which asks God to enact blood retribution on the United States because their founders were killed by U.S. citizens.
The very people who claim to be so Godly want to cover up their internal corruption by shining up the outside, like when Romney talks about symbolic things like keeping God on our currency.
No one is trying to take God off the currency, by the way, but is this really something that God cares about? God is God. If God wants to be on the money, He’ll damn well be on the money. God doesn’t need our help.
But God’s children do. In fact, Jesus made clear what would prove our devotion, and it had nothing to do with putting the word God on a piece of paper. Every time the disciples tried to show their devotion by puffing their chests up the way people do, Jesus asked for something a lot harder: “If you love me, feed my sheep,” and “What you’ve done to the least of my brethren, you have done to me.”
Work, Welfare, Clinton
Which brings me to your problem with Obama and the work requirement for welfare. You’ve been told that Obama has increased the size of the welfare rolls and pulled back on Clinton’s Welfare-to-Work requirements.
It’s true that there are more people on welfare, but Obama inherited an economy that was losing 800,000 jobs per month! Would you really suggest letting those people starve? I don’t think you would. In some states, the Clinton-introduced work requirement for welfare has been temporarily relaxed during the economic recovery, but the work requirement is still present, as Clinton himself explained at the Democratic Convention.
I know there are many who believe that taking care of the poor should be the church’s job, not government’s, but if churches really believed that, wouldn’t they try to be better at it? For the truly poor, these days, there aren’t many alternatives but government help.
Your own church understands that the government plays a role. The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has roundly criticized the Romney/Ryan budget for its disastrous consequences for the poor. Even Pope Benedict has called for an end to the type of greedy capitalism that the anti-regulation, trickle-down economics of the Romney/Ryan policies represent.
In light of the Romney/Ryan budget’s failure to even try to provide basic safety for the poor, while providing tax cuts for the super-rich, all of that talk about God is revealed as empty piety.
They’re so worried about keeping God on the money because they know they’ve stopped keeping God in their money.
Basic Human Kindness
Finally, let’s talk about the third thing you value: plain old human decency. I saved this for last because, sadly, this is where you differ most from the people you’re thinking of supporting.
A couple of weeks ago, Paul Ryan went and met with a group of leading right-wing religious types and assured them that the Romney administration would try to enact their agenda. These people have repeatedly called people like me pedophiles, Nazis, and every other horrible thing. They’ve gone to other countries and supported the death penalty for gays. They’ve openly advocated making my relationship illegal. These are hateful, hateful people, and the Romney/Ryan ticket owes them.
And it’s not just about gays. You live in Louisiana. I know you’ve heard all of the race-based Obama hatred. You know the jokes. Stop and think about that for a minute. You know where much of Romney’s support in Louisiana comes from.
I’m not saying Romney is racist, or that everyone who supports him is a racist, but I am saying much of his support is racially motivated, and you know it. Furthermore, much of his support comes from people who want me criminalized or dead. They’ve given him money. They’ve advised him. They’ve had his ear, and they’ve already heard enough promises from him to know they will have power in his administration.
You are no racist. You are no homophobe. You are not like the people who’ve gone out of their way to misinform you. But do you trust them? Do you want to cast your ballot with them? Do you really want to reward their behavior with your support?
Has Mitt Romney proven he shares your values in any meaningful way?
Not once has he exhibited any godly concern for regular hardworking people like you and me. In fact, with his rich donor friends, he dismissed us outright. Not once has he stood up to the hateful elements of his party, and he’s had many chances. In fact, in his treatment of cops, of workers, of the family dog, of the U.S. tax code, he’s proven he can be pretty heartless, himself.
Now there are a lot of friendships being lost over this election, both on Facebook and in person. A lot of gays and lesbians, like the man who wrote this article, are taking it very personally that people are voting in ways that specifically harm us, and rightly so. It is personal, and maybe he has enough friends already. Me, I don’t. And I know it’s hard to get good information, sometimes, especially when you’re surrounded by bad, so I’ll forgive the personal slight. I’d love to see you vote for Obama, but no matter what happens in November, I want you to know that you’re still family to me, and still my friend. However:
If you’re going to vote for a man who has promised to roll back my rights, then it’s a kick to my stomach if that man doesn’t at least share your values enough to deserve that vote.
And, no matter what you’ve been told, Mitt Romney just plain doesn’t. Better if you didn’t vote at all.
Love,
Wayne
I think this article is way off the mark. Sadly, it think those who are SSA* are trying to normalize their sexual proclivities to be the equal of heterosexual sexual intercourse. Why is this “minority” more than any other focused upon as being one of the most persecuted in this country? My goodness, I am certain there are countless more bullying incidents done to kids who are autistic, have downs, CP, MS, MD, or any of a number of birth defects. But you don’t see them crying and whining to the media that others are picking on them. They pick themselves up, brush themselves off, and carry on. And many of these differences cannot be hidden…they need to be faced head on day-in and day-out.
SSA people know they have all the rights they need to live as a couple. In many states they can marry but still choose not to. It is about ensuring that their agenda is shoved down our throats in every corner of our lives, starting with our kids’ education and on up. Well, I don’t want my kids learning that SSA is as typical as heterosexual sex because as a Catholic I do not believe that. And if I am a bigot because of it, then so be it. I will be proudly voting for pro-life and pro-marriage candidate Mitt Romney.
*Editors Note: Same Sex Attracted
“Proudly?” I don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for. Given the way you glibly discuss other people’s suffering, and the seeming bitterness you have toward people who are in pain, I’d guess Romney is indeed the perfect candidate for you. But proudly? No. You’re voting petulantly.
Seriously? Bullying is done to everyone. People who are overweight, skinny, wear glasses, have red hair, have buck teeth, etc. It doesn’t matter if you are gay, straight, have a disability or not. It happens. And to compare people with disabilities with gay people is just outright ridiculous! As a gay woman, with a career working with individuals with disabilities I find your statement simply, dumb.
Yes, people with disabilities are bullied, and they do pick themselves up and carry on. They carry on way better than any other member of society, including you. And yes, when there are horrible abuse cases or beatings of people with disabilities it is in the media just the same. They have been fighting for equal rights for centuries. And look how far they have come! From being institutionalized because they were different, to living in their own communities and working within their own communities. It didn’t happen overnight. And if you were around in the 80’s and 90’s, it was the political fight back then. Just as women’s rights was a fight, and so was racial integration.
You state in your comment that there are states that allow same sex marriage and still people choose not to get married. Well, yeah. Um, I am assuming you are a straight person, and lived a portion of your life (or still do) as a single unmarried person. Just because you can marry, doesn’t mean you have to. I’m going to also assume you waited to find the right mate, fall in love, and then get married. Funny, us gays do it the same way. We don’t just want to marry the first person we see, we want to marry the person that we love so deeply.
Our kid’s education? My 4 children are in school, and nowhere have they learned, in class, anything regarding this topic. But what they have learned is how to be kind, caring, loving and genuinely good citizens.
I must ask why you feel that same sex marriage is so bad to be shoved down your throat, when heterosexual relationships must be shoved down mine? If a heterosexual relationship is your “normal”, why do I have to see, hear, and deal with that when it is not my “normal”. If you want to ban same sex marriage, and make it illegal for us to hold hands, kiss or do anything else, then it should be equal. I’m tired of being able to see a man and a woman kiss in public, and know that it’s not accepted if I lean over and kiss my girlfriend. I find it just as repulsive to see a man and a woman, as I’m sure you find it of a man and a man or a woman and a woman. Good day to you, and I wish you the best of luck!
I tend to agree with you and for the record I am what is normally called “straight” Don’t want to allow gays to get married then lets be equal in a different way. lets ban all marriages as a religious rite separate from government. Let’s make marriage something that doesn’t grant benefits to the couple other than an acknowledgement of their commitment to each other. Gays could get married in this way already by just finding people to perform the ceremony and join in with them. The act of marriage is not what they are fighting for but rather the added extras that heterosexual couples enjoy. the right as a family member to visit their partner in ICU. the right to reduced taxes based on the family relationship, the right to be able to adopt as a couple, the right to buy insurance that covers both them and their spouse.
Many of the things are economic in nature. which may be in part part of the problem. Christianity and other religions call these acts sins however God created all of us and gave us free will. If God will not force you to comply with what is considered his laws who am I to do otherwise?
A major difference is that while a person with CP, MS, MD, or other defects/mental health issues may face hurtful challenges such as bullying (Which are never okay and should be stopped) is that those who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, or Transgender face challenges that are harmful to them. And yes, while hurtful bulling can turn into being harmful, it’s a more persistent problem for those who identify as GLBT.
Those who identify as other than heterosexual can face threats of physical safety including being murdered, beaten, or raped. There is no agenda; no plan to turn society into a ‘gay’ society. We all want the same thing – to be allowed to love who we love without having to fear for our lives, emotional well being, or financial safety. (for the purpose of this discussion I am assuming both parties involved consent and are the age of majority.)
I use we to break down this idea of othering – it’s not about us and them; we are all people with wants and desires, and to have the same opportunities available because we are individuals first, not our sexuality. There are no others in Gays, Lesbians, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Heterosexual – there is only us. Human people. while you may not be GLBT, to silence their efforts is to re-enforce a society that only respects one expression of love, which happens to be yours. That’s not “normal” – it’s privilege.
Shouldn’t everyone be able to have that privilege?
The “pain” they suffer is no more, I feel, than the pain I see my autistic son go through each and every day. Why do I feel that? Because while it is a different pain, it still hurts him deeply and hurts me deeply. He cannot make friends because of very poor social skills, he cannot render self care, he is stared at like a freak of nature, he is imitated because of what others do not understand, he will not get the chance to have a wife or family. Yet, he still works hard every day to get better and does not judge people. Nor does he call them bigots for teasing him or misunderstanding him. He simply asks me, “Mom, why are people so mean?”
So do not go telling me about suffering, because I have felt plenty…from the pains of being infertile to being told my son was autistic to seeing the discrimination he has endured (including a death threat at school…on his school record, mind you). Please do not judge me. And I do not write anything glibly. Anyone who knows me knows I am anything but. I will pray for you. I offer my hurt to those dire poverty. Perhaps today you can do the same.
If you have witnessed the social suffering your son has endured, and it hurts you, why would you wish that on any other child or person? The question, “Why are people so mean?”, applies equally to your attitudes regarding LGBT persons.
I have an autistic nephew. I also have a 14 year old gay cousin. My son had emotional issues that required him to be in special ed for most of his educational career and I’ve had the privilege of working with handicapped and blind children. I’ve seen bullying and teasing of all kinds.
Here’s the only thing that we need to recognize here. This isn’t a game of “let’s whip it out and see whose is longer.” This isn’t about whose oppression is worse, who’s getting bullied the worst — it’s that all discrimination is wrong, all bullying is wrong, and we’re all in this together.
Our job as responsible, rational, compassionate adults is to create an environment where everyone feels respected, cherished, validated, nurtured, and valuable. It’s about contributing to each other and allowing ourselves to be contributed to.
When my son brought me the contents of his piggy bank and insisted I use that to help pay for the mortgage, it wasn’t about the three dollars and twenty seven cents — it was about his wanting to be a part of the solution. If I had dismissed his effort as inconsequential, what lesson would I have taught him? By thanking him and acknowledging that he was making a difference, I taught him a much more important lesson.
The point is that if we accept that we are all partners in a common effort, we will certainly accomplish a lot more than if we bitch at each other about not being understood.
My two cents worth.
[...] Wayne at Owldolatrous tells his conservative friend: “Don’t de-friend me, just don’t vote.” [...]
Patty,
I have an Autistic daughter and I understand your pain and frustration but your conclusion that other groups should just pick them selves up is confusing. I would think you would support reducing bullying and poor treatment against any group. Just because the pain same sex individuals feel is no more than that of an autisitc individual does not mean it should be ignored or excused or in this case advocated by voting for someone that intends to keep on bullying. I would not vote for a president that advocated keeping an autistic individual from marrying any more than I would vote for a president that would keep a same sex couple from marrying. Unfair, unethical treatment remains unfair and unethical regardelss of who it is aimed at. Once during an IEP meeting I was told by a counselor, in all seriousness, that she didn’t think my autisitc daughter should recieve services because it was my fault as a lesbian that she was autistic. Any discrimination on any count harms us all
Patty, those of us on the left stand with all people who are suffering from discrimination, whether it be due to gender, race, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, disability, illness or just being different. Do you really think Mitt Romney will make it a priority to assist people who need help, such as your son? If Romney and Congress implement the budget cuts that his party and his VP recommend, anti-discrimnation laws like the ADA won’t have funding to enforce them, and social services that would otherwise be able to help your son will not be there for him. Leftist thought doesn’t prioritize the needs of gays over other people, even though it happens to be a hot-button issue in recent years. Liberals want to fight for everyone to be treated with humanity and kindness. Check out the Green Party platform at http://www.gp.org/committees/platform/2012/ to find out what political liberals would like to see in a future where both the writer of this article and your son are respected and valued.
I believe everyone feels the same pain regardless of the reason a bully has targeted them. I believe everyone should be standing up and screaming about any type of bullying or any type of discrimination. Getting back up and brushing yourself off is required by us all, but after so many times something needs to be done. Discrimination and bullying is wrong no matter who is the target. None of it should be tolerated. All humans are worthy of equal treatment. If you do not agree with someone or you don’t like them, fine, that is your choice. The minute you try to treat them as though they are not a valuable human being because they no not fit your definition of “good” is the minute you start being the bully. As for the letter, it is indeed a wonderful letter. I don’t know that it would change someone’s mind but at least it might make them think about their choice a little. It seems to me that Romney and his personality have special appeal to closed minded individuals. It seems these people have just grabbed onto parts of his non-truths and are running with them in (false) belief that he is going to make certain “problems” disappear and improve the country. If Romney is elected we will have a country that will be led, essentially, by a bully.
I’m sorry for all the pain inflicted upon you and your son. It’s patently unfair and neither of you deserve it.
Now stop wallowing and feeling bad for yourself.
“Why is this “minority” more than any other focused upon as being one of the most persecuted… I am certain there are countless more bullying incidents done to kids who are autistic, have downs, CP, MS, MD, or any of a number of birth defects.”
You understand that this argument reads as though you believe, “well, there’s no point in alleviating the suffering of some because it won’t help everyone.” That’s petty and ignorant. It assumes that a person interested in equality for the LGBTQ community is equally uninterested in working towards equality for anyone else – an idea both wrongheaded and foolish. It also seems premised on the idea that emotionally, physically and developmentally challenged citizens wouldn’t be helped by living in a society that grows generally more tolerant, which is a bizarre thought.
“And many of these differences cannot be hidden…they need to be faced head on day-in and day-out.”
I know, right! Why can’t queers just stop being so gay when they walk out of their front doors? Why can’t they just go about in public and pretend to be something they’re not. Why can’t they just deny who they are and lie to everyone around them. I mean, I know I would feel a lot more comfortable if we would all just pretend homos didn’t exist. And everyone knows that the comfort of straight people is of paramount importance.
“SSA people know they have all the rights they need to live as a couple.”
Just tremendously wrong. Over 1100 rights and responsibilities are reserved by the federal government for married couples only.
” In many states they can marry but still choose not to.”
Many people who are eligible to marry chose not to for all sorts of reasons. Can we take the right of marriage away from Hispanics or the deaf just because some members of both groups never avail themselves of the right to wed?
“he is stared at like a freak of nature, he is imitated because of what others do not understand, he will not get the chance to have a wife or family.”
Again, I want you to know (even if you don’t believe) how sincerely I wish that things were different for you and your son. What you both have to put up with and tolerate is far more than you, or anyone, should have to. But at the same time, can you not see the difference between being unable to marry and being forbidden to marry? Although, I wouldn’t absolutely count your son out. I obviously don’t know the specifics of yours and his situation, but I do know that it is not unheard of for even people with severe autism to to form relationships, fall in love and, yes, even marry.
” Nor does he call them bigots for teasing him or misunderstanding him.”
And no one calls people who tease and misunderstand homosexuals bigots. But, people who advocate to lock LGBTQ individuals into their second class citizenship through government force certainly qualify for the label.
” And I do not write anything glibly. Anyone who knows me knows I am anything but. ”
I don’t think you’re glib either. To be glib would imply that you haven’t given any thought to the matter. But you clearly have. The problem is that you’ve somehow reached the conclusion that because you hurt, it’s okay not only for others to hurt, but for you to be one of the many twisting the knife.
I’m humbled by the thoughtful and compassionate comments here. Thanks to each of you for picking up where I faltered.
I have a son with Down Syndrome. And because of him I have become more tolerant of others who are not like me. Because of my son, I support ALL individuals having the same rights regardless of race or sexual orientation or anything else. I have not been able to understand how my acquaintances that have children with DS have been able to oppose gay rights. I was horrified when I saw how they were all jumping on the Chic-fil-a band wagon. I have been aghast that they are all supporting Romney who will be more likely to reduce the funding that their children are receiving in school and through medicaid and other government programs. They better not say or complain about a reduction in services should Romney be elected because I will not be able to keep my mouth shut. I will be forced to tell them that is what they voted for.
I’m not voting for Romney, but this dude was pretty off base on a couple of things.
Please elaborate.